Wrestling a Greased Pig

For those of you who have children, you will probably relate to this post. For those of you who have do not have children yet, well...good luck.

As I have stated in previous posts, I have three children. My youngest is 16 months old, and he is, as they say, all boy. Dressing this child is a challenge. He wiggles and he squirms. The boy just wants to get moving. I can respect that. But, Coilin, my boy, you have to give daddy a break.

You cannot run around with one cheek hanging out of your diaper, or worse with no diaper at all. You have not learned to control your bladder yet and I do not need you washing the floors and the walls, if you catch my drift. By the way you giggle when you run away from me, I think you do.

Sometimes, he is so squirmy that I have to lay him on the floor so that I can pin him down with my legs. Before you get concerned, he is no danger of getting hurt. Allow me to explain. I sit with my legs apart. I lay Coilin so that his head is lying towards my feet. (Yes, I understand the peril of having an active 16 months old's feet that close to my crotch.) Then, I take his arms and open them so that his body forms a “T”. Finally, I gently put my legs over his arms applying only enough pressure to keep him from rolling which is surprising little pressure. With that method, I can usally get his diaper changed, his onesie snapped closed, and his pants back on. The shirt goes back on if we can get it on. You have to pick your battles.

As you see, dressing him is difficult; but, what would parenthood be if everything were the same all of the time? We should add another wrinkle. How about we give this boy a bath. That's always a treat. When porcelain is wet, it becomes slippery (or slippy if you are from Pittsburgh). When you set an active baby, who does not have full control of his fine motor skills, on said wet porcelain, you have your very own “Slip N Slide” in the bathroom. You quickly learn to wash with one hand while holding on very tightly with the other. But, that is the easy part. You cannot just take a baby out of the bathtub, dry him off, and then dress him. No, you must lotion this child. We cannot let our Coilin get dry skin. Can you see where this is headed?

Now we have a baby covered in lotion, kind of like a greased pig. The method of holding him down with my legs does not work any longer because now his little arms are lubricated to the point where he could get out of things Houdini only dreamed of. I have no idea how I get his clothes on after his bath. My only explanation is that I some how channel the workers at the Pike Place Fish Market in Seattle, and I am able to grip slippery children in a single hand. I have no other explanation. So, I say Thank You fish throwing gods for helping me in my time of need.

Author's Comment: For those of you do not know, the workers at the Pike Place Fish Market in Seattle throw and catch fish. It is pretty amazing to watch. I found this snippet on YouTube: “pike place market fish tossin”

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